It is the day my girlfriend died, or I should say, the day she killed herself.
What an awful and a horrible day today is. Probably the worst day of my life, seriously.
I loved her for one full year during my final year in Junior College, and she was always my first priority, apart from studying. Every weekend, I made sure I studied and revised everything that I have learnt over the week. Then I went out to meet my girlfriend. She definitely loved me more than the amount that I loved her. She made a lot of small things for me, which I treasured it more than anything else, such as hand-made toy, doll, drawing and so on.
Whenever we went out, I bought her food and ate together, and she was always very happy to be out with me. Seeing her bright and cheerful face always made me feel happy as well. Honestly, she was the only person in the world that made me feel happy inside my heart during that hell year of studying for University entry.
Whenever we sat down together to drink, eat or relax, we chatted continuously.
I remember her telling me this a few times.
"You know, I want to become a shampoo one day" she told me with a serious look.
"Why?" I looked into her eyes, surprised.
"So that when you use the shampoo, I can embrace you as I flow down your entire body and leave you with a good fragrance!" she replied with a cheerful smile.
"Haha! Hope so!" I felt really happy to hear such thing from my lover.
"But if you do anything to make me feel sad,,," she suddenly said.
"Huh?" I was shocked.
"Haha nothing!" she laughed.
I felt scared for a moment, but felt good again. How lovely she was, and I was so happy to have her as my girlfriend. She also bought me her favourite shampoo, which I still use and treasure it.
However as I went into another University, I met many new friends, including female friends as well. Then, my love feeling towards my girlfriend started to fade away, slowly.
Whenever she messaged me, I started to feel reluctant to reply, and even to the point where became irritated by her messages.
Why? Why did I even felt that way? To someone whom I loved so much, and to someone who did so many good things to me? I hate myself so much for having such a feeling.
She must have realized after a few weeks that I am definitely starting to not have the feeling towards her. Now, when I think of how she would have felt, I feel like killing myself. I am such an asshole.
When we met during one of the weekend, I was still having the reluctance to meet her.
"Why? Did you meet a new girlfriend in your University or something? Who is that bitch?" she shouted at me, shedding tears.
"No! It's not like that... I am just very busy nowadays,,," before I finished talking, she shouted at me again.
"Stop! You are lying! How could you do this to me...?" she started to cry with a deep sorrow.
When I saw her crying because of me, I also felt very sad. But soon after, I began to feel irritated and just told her fiercely without thinking twice.
"I am sorry, but I am really busy. Stop bothering me! It is very annoying to see you crying like this. I should be the one asking, why are you like this? Shouldn't you be concentrating on your studies instead?"
She stared at me, with a blank face. She looked as if she had nothing to say anymore.
"...you don't understand me... Why have you changed to much? Can't you see that I am going through difficult times in my University, and all I need is just your warm love like last year...?" she said slowly, and gave me a disappointed look.
"I don't know! I need to go now. Sorry, let's talk next time." I replied her quickly, wanting to end the conversation.
Suddenly, I slip and fall down on the shower booth. I hit my head on the floor, and I start to feel dizzy. The bubbles from the shampoo continue to enter my eyes, nose and mouth. I cannot breathe... Help...
What an awful and a horrible day today is. Probably the worst day of my life, seriously.
I still feel like vomiting, as if my stomach is going to be exploded.
My entire body feels like it wants to crush into pieces, with all the despairing guilt.
All the shocks that I received today is too much for me to believe, and I still cannot believe that whatever happened is true.
My girlfriend committed suicide today, because of me.
When I heard the news that she killed herself, I could not even cry because it was too scary and unbelievable.
Someone killed herself because of me.
Never in my life did I imagine such thing would happen.
I feel hopeless, and want to seek for help. Find someone to talk to, cry in front of them, and confess all the regretful things that I have done to my girlfriend.
First, my parents do not even know that I even have or had a girlfriend. And I am now living alone in a dormitory.
Second, it is late in the evening, so there is no Buddha or Priest available now for me to talk to.
Oh no... I feel like dying... Somebody help me...
How am I going to face anyone from now onwards?
I am just going to take a shower.
I stare into the mirror in the bathroom.
My entire body feels like it wants to crush into pieces, with all the despairing guilt.
All the shocks that I received today is too much for me to believe, and I still cannot believe that whatever happened is true.
My girlfriend committed suicide today, because of me.
When I heard the news that she killed herself, I could not even cry because it was too scary and unbelievable.
Someone killed herself because of me.
Never in my life did I imagine such thing would happen.
I feel hopeless, and want to seek for help. Find someone to talk to, cry in front of them, and confess all the regretful things that I have done to my girlfriend.
First, my parents do not even know that I even have or had a girlfriend. And I am now living alone in a dormitory.
Second, it is late in the evening, so there is no Buddha or Priest available now for me to talk to.
Oh no... I feel like dying... Somebody help me...
How am I going to face anyone from now onwards?
I am just going to take a shower.
Suddenly, there is a brief image of me and my girlfriend standing together, laughing, and brushing our teeth together in the mirror.
Fuck!
I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my heart.
As I stand in the shower booth, letting the shower head to spray warm water on my head which somehow seems cold, I start to cry.
As tears flow down my cheek, the running water instantly washes them away.
Standing motionlessly, the memories of me and my girlfriend flashes on my mind, what have I done, and what happened that made her kill herself. . .
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I met my girlfriend when I entered my final year in my Junior College.
What a perfect time to meet someone to love, when I should be studying all day for my exam to enter University? Anyway, I managed to enter a decent University, but my girlfriend actually did not do very well, and went into a University that is a little bit worse than mine. I have the feeling that she did not performed at her best because she wasted a lot of time with me, which she could have used to study instead. I feel really guilty about that, but she never gave me a slightest sign of anger at all.
So, we were separated from then. It was really heart-breaking and saddening to be separated in school, although we promised to meet each other as much as possible during the weekends.
So, we were separated from then. It was really heart-breaking and saddening to be separated in school, although we promised to meet each other as much as possible during the weekends.
I loved her for one full year during my final year in Junior College, and she was always my first priority, apart from studying. Every weekend, I made sure I studied and revised everything that I have learnt over the week. Then I went out to meet my girlfriend. She definitely loved me more than the amount that I loved her. She made a lot of small things for me, which I treasured it more than anything else, such as hand-made toy, doll, drawing and so on.
Whenever we went out, I bought her food and ate together, and she was always very happy to be out with me. Seeing her bright and cheerful face always made me feel happy as well. Honestly, she was the only person in the world that made me feel happy inside my heart during that hell year of studying for University entry.
Whenever we sat down together to drink, eat or relax, we chatted continuously.
I remember her telling me this a few times.
"You know, I want to become a shampoo one day" she told me with a serious look.
"Why?" I looked into her eyes, surprised.
"So that when you use the shampoo, I can embrace you as I flow down your entire body and leave you with a good fragrance!" she replied with a cheerful smile.
"Haha! Hope so!" I felt really happy to hear such thing from my lover.
"But if you do anything to make me feel sad,,," she suddenly said.
"Huh?" I was shocked.
"Haha nothing!" she laughed.
I felt scared for a moment, but felt good again. How lovely she was, and I was so happy to have her as my girlfriend. She also bought me her favourite shampoo, which I still use and treasure it.
However as I went into another University, I met many new friends, including female friends as well. Then, my love feeling towards my girlfriend started to fade away, slowly.
Whenever she messaged me, I started to feel reluctant to reply, and even to the point where became irritated by her messages.
Why? Why did I even felt that way? To someone whom I loved so much, and to someone who did so many good things to me? I hate myself so much for having such a feeling.
She must have realized after a few weeks that I am definitely starting to not have the feeling towards her. Now, when I think of how she would have felt, I feel like killing myself. I am such an asshole.
When we met during one of the weekend, I was still having the reluctance to meet her.
"Why? Did you meet a new girlfriend in your University or something? Who is that bitch?" she shouted at me, shedding tears.
"No! It's not like that... I am just very busy nowadays,,," before I finished talking, she shouted at me again.
"Stop! You are lying! How could you do this to me...?" she started to cry with a deep sorrow.
When I saw her crying because of me, I also felt very sad. But soon after, I began to feel irritated and just told her fiercely without thinking twice.
"I am sorry, but I am really busy. Stop bothering me! It is very annoying to see you crying like this. I should be the one asking, why are you like this? Shouldn't you be concentrating on your studies instead?"
She stared at me, with a blank face. She looked as if she had nothing to say anymore.
"...you don't understand me... Why have you changed to much? Can't you see that I am going through difficult times in my University, and all I need is just your warm love like last year...?" she said slowly, and gave me a disappointed look.
"I don't know! I need to go now. Sorry, let's talk next time." I replied her quickly, wanting to end the conversation.
She looked into my eyes, totally shocked as she realized how much I have changed.
I would have hugged her, and gave her comforting words if she was sad, depressed or unhappy last year. I can imagine how horrible she must have felt when I talked to her in that way.
I would have hugged her, and gave her comforting words if she was sad, depressed or unhappy last year. I can imagine how horrible she must have felt when I talked to her in that way.
I was really a mean, and a fucked up guy. Why was I so unkind and arrogant?
Those fucking momentary feeling towards other friends made me act so harshly to my girlfriend.
We fought a few times like that, and I was arrogant all the way. She even saw me going out with my new female friends for movies and so on, and she looked as if she had lost everything in her life. But even when I saw her giving me that look, I did not care.
And today, she killed herself. She tried to kill herself by cutting herself with a pen knife, but failed and hung herself. She left a message saying that she is too stressed, sad and does not want to live any longer. There is also a sentence in her message saying that she misses her boyfriend. If I am not wrong, I am her first and her last boyfriend, so she was obviously referring to me.
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I look at the shampoo which she bought it for me.
I am now missing her a lot. I regret what I have done, forever.
I took out some shampoo to wash my hair.
I am now missing her a lot. I regret what I have done, forever.
I took out some shampoo to wash my hair.
'Why couldn't she have found another boyfriend, who is even better than me?' I ask myself as I wash my hair with the shampoo.
"Because I loved you more than anyone else..."
Fuck! Did my girlfriend became a ghost or something? Why am I hearing her voice? Suddenly, the shampoo goes into my eyes and nose.
"AH! FUCK!!!" as I scream, I open my mouth, and the shampoo goes in. I start to panic. There is sharp and bitter pain inside my eyes, nose and mouth. I cannot see and breathe!
"Arghh!!!" I try to turn on the shower tap to wash away those shampoo, but I cannot turn it on as I panic.
Suddenly, I slip and fall down on the shower booth. I hit my head on the floor, and I start to feel dizzy. The bubbles from the shampoo continue to enter my eyes, nose and mouth. I cannot breathe... Help...
I start to chock on the shampoo and strangle myself, as I lay down on the shower booth, kicking everywhere like a fish out of water.
'Why??? Is this even happening?'
"I always loved you, and I always will. Come with me."
I hear my girlfriend's voice as I lose my consciousness.
'Why??? Is this even happening?'
"I always loved you, and I always will. Come with me."
I hear my girlfriend's voice as I lose my consciousness.
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Let's not do things which we will regret in the future.
We must control our emotions well, so that we would not hurt other people's feelings.
I know this story is a bit weird, but please just accept it (:
Jun