"If a guy stays virgin till he is 30 years old, he becomes a Wizard.
If a guy stays virgin till he is 40 years old, he becomes a Star."
- a famous phrase, South Korea.
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| My important friend Furlyn, made this for me, hoping I don't turn into a real Wizard. |
Let me start off by declaring that whatever I write here is strictly my own piece of mind, but I believe (and hope) most single guys out there will be able to relate. I'm pretty sure that in far away(?) future when I read this blog post again, I'll regret for even writing it just like all my past posts. But that is the point of writing diaries.
Just to say shortly about myself, I've been single since birth (a.k.a 모태솔로 / 母胎 mǔtāi solo / motae solo, which directly means from Chinese to Korean; Solo since Mother's Womb), which is "by right" a rare thing. In this day and age, how often do see someone over 21 years old who has been single throughout their lives? -seems like the social question.
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| ⓒBlackjackBoy |
Getting the Facts Right:
These are the thoughts that goes through single-since-birth guy's mind:
'When will I ever get to be lovey-dovey with a girlfriend?'
'When will I ever get to cuddle my girlfriend?'
etc. etc., something along that line, which is very physical.
And this sounds like a man who is just horny as fuck. But sadly(?), that is the reality. All guys are perverts, and we all desire intimacy. It just boils down to how much we control and choose to show our secret desires to others.
Except guys who are extremely devoted to certain religions, the rest are more or less the same. I have met varieties of guys from different race, religion, age groups (talking about those below 25) and backgrounds. 99% of them are all the same horny fuckers. Once again, it just boils down to how much they want to show to others. If you're a guy reading this, you will agree with me. If you're a girl, then here's a fact for you. You see a quiet dude who is very gentle in front of you. What he does at home quietly is same as what your other rowdy guy friend does at home as well.
I can't forget having a deep personal conversation with my trooper in my National Service (Army) during a guard duty. He is a really good and gentle boy, from an extremely strong religious family. And I was surprised to learn that he is no different from me. A gentle nature and strong religious background didn't make him any different from me.
How Did It Happen?:
During my teenage years between 16 and 19, being single seemed normal to me. Even though a few friends started having relationships, it didn't bother me because I was busy studying(self-excuse). I just thought, 'Will I still be single when I'm 21? Nah, I don't think so.' And when I turned 21 and realised I was still single, I became desperate and felt extremely empty. If this continues, I'd be on my way to becoming a Wizard.
And now I've turned 23, but I have different thoughts going through my mind.
But is it that I have not confessed to girls before? No, I have, but got rejected; I wasn't their type. It's as simple as that. And the girls who expressed their interests in me weren't my types as well so I rejected them. So.. I guess I can't complain for myself.
There is an old saying in Korea that goes somewhere along, "There isn't a tree that won't cut open when hit with an axe multiple times.", which basically means to keep hitting up on the girl regardless of her rejecting you, and she will accept you in the end.
There is an old saying in Korea that goes somewhere along, "There isn't a tree that won't cut open when hit with an axe multiple times.", which basically means to keep hitting up on the girl regardless of her rejecting you, and she will accept you in the end.
My gosh, it is 2020 already. How is that phrase still relevant? If you keep hitting up on the girl who have rejected you multiple times, I believe that's more of an assault than a romance.
It is true that birds of a feather flock together. Most of my friends are still single (many still single since birth), and my few closest friends are all singles as well.
Birds of a feather flock together:
..said about people who have similar characters or interests, especially ones of which you disapprove, and who often spend time with one another (Cambridge Dictionary)
Birds of a feather flock together:
..said about people who have similar characters or interests, especially ones of which you disapprove, and who often spend time with one another (Cambridge Dictionary)
Thoughts of Being Single:
I don't care about the reasons a guy would want to get into a relationship. There are so many reasons. It could be purely to fill up a lonely sexual life. It could be purely to try an intimate relationship with an opposite gender. And could it be love? I don't fucking know, I don't know what love towards a girl feels like apart from love towards my family and a few closer friends.
A famous Korean song "Amor Fati" from Kim Yeonja says this, "Dating is a necessity. Marriage is a choice. Just follow along to your heart." This speaks clearly at us, that dating someone is a must, and we must do it if our heart tells us to. Whatever the reason it doesn't really matter. As long as both parties have similar wants, it should be good to go.
I've recently watched movie "Friends With Benefits" on TV again, after many years. And if a guy wants to date a girl just for FWB experience, then the girl must be looking for that too. But if the girl wants a serious relationship to settle down and perhaps get married to the same guy in future, then of course the guy wanting a FWB relationship shouldn't meet that girl. To me, it's as simple as that.
Determinations:
Looking back at when I was 21, or even 22, I was just so desperate in getting into a relationship. I just wanted to give it a try. Now that I'm 23, it is still the same, but I am no longer desperate. It may sound like I'm just abandoning myself to despair, but no. I'm really not looking for a girlfriend anymore. It's more of me keeping my options open. If I see a girl who triggers my heart, I'll just have casual conversations with her and see how it goes. If she doesn't reciprocate with a mutual "interest", then I will just abandon that relationship immediately.
Asking a girl out should be like this in my opinion. You ask a girl out, and she just rejects you with whatever reasons. Then you ask her out again on another day; ask 2-3 times in total, and if she still just rejects you without giving a free day, then stop messaging her forever. Also, delete her contact number and move on. I strongly believe that we should try maximum of 3 times on an 'uninterested girl'. If it doesn't work after 3 tries, just move on as it is a clear sign that she is not interested in you in any ways.
I have personally never met any girls who cancels on a "date" last minute, or on the day itself. Except just one girl. There is a pretty girl from my Secondary School who I tried to go out with, and she kept on cancelling the meet-up last minute, multiple times (back then, I thought being understanding and saying "It's okay" to the girl is being a gentleman. Now I know, that that was just being a retarded dumbass loser motherfucker.)
And somehow I did go out with her one day after she messaged me first, but she didn't show any mutual respect and was busy going off to meet another guy right after me. And that was a simple sign for me to just move on and not get salty. I deleted her number, and I will not reply her ever again even if she messages me in future. I don't care how pretty she is, it's waste of my time and energy. And right now, I am really so proud of myself for getting rid of her from my life. I feel that we should be like this towards anyone who cancels meet-ups/dates last minute, upto 3 times. If a girl keeps on cancelling your dates, then she is not giving you her respect. Time to move on.
Being late on meet-ups/dates? Not sure how late is acceptable to you because it depends on individuals. But if a girl is always late (by over 15 minutes) for dates, I will tell her straight that I don't like it and she has to stop being late. And if that's the reason why she wouldn't meet me anymore, then that'll be the end to our relationship.
Acceptance:
I'm tired of relationships that lack mutual respect. If meeting a person(both guy and girl) tires me out a lot, I will choose to let go of that relationship. Put in more effort and energy into those that matter more, your family and a few closer friends.
Up until I was 22 years old, I placed emphasis in lots of friendships and getting a girlfriend. Now, I have other priorities, which is my family, my health, and my few closer friends.
I'm someone who doesn't enjoy messaging often. I don't even message my family/closer friends often although I love them. And if getting a girlfriend means that I need to message her often, then that just means I'm not ready to have a girlfriend, and I accept that. Or maybe I haven't met a girl who I like so much that I would voluntarily want to message/call her all the time.
I also accept the fact that I've missed all those 'high school romance' that we see in movies and dramas. Deep down, I am extremely sad over it. How I wish I had such cute relationship with a girl during my teenage years. But it's already over, and I need to accept what has happened and move on.
Just a few personal thoughts before I end off..
❄ Rather than being in a relationship whereby I'm desperate and the love is one-sided, I'll choose to be single. And shouldn't that be the way? Hoping all of us who will be blindfolded by love in future can realise this..
❄ I don't believe one can be happy just by having a girlfriend, if he can't be happy with his life alone.
❄ Two of my troopers who have been in relationships for many years said this to me. "Sergeant Kim. Just enjoy your single life. Trust us." Although I theoretically know that, it still felt like being spoiled that Black Widow is going to die in the Endgame.
❄ What's wrong with dividing guys into alpha and beta? Sure, it's fun to have such distinction, to motivate "Beta guys" to work towards becoming an "Alpha male". But then what's wrong with bunch of "Beta girls" openly declaring that they only want "Alpha guys"? To me, that sounds like a loser guy with fat body who is saying "I only want pretty girls with big tits!". Why the fuck will a pretty girl with big tits even look at a fat loser? Same goes for those girls. Why will an Alpha male even look at Beta girls? Come on, don't up your taste too much from those Korean Dramas. Give chance to the so-called "Beta guys" and know your own standards. It feels really uncomfortable seeing some "Beta girls" looking down on "Beta guys". I mean..
❄ Using dating apps is becoming an unnecessary time & energy waster. I did get a few matches with my types, but most were very shallow and I could tell that I was just one of the many guys they've matched with. So I don't plan to use it too seriously.
❄ Quality over quantity applies to friendships so well. I wasn't afraid to completely cut off certain old friends who kept on wasting my time and energy. Just because you knew that person for 10 years, it doesn't mean you have to be friends with him. Your closer friends will definitely quarrel with you from time to time, but they wouldn't be wasting your time and energy with no purpose.
❄ Overload of information is conveyed well in YouTube these years. There are so many trash videos in YouTube, but you can also find some really good videos, be it self-improving, dealing with human relations, dating tips, etc. We should utilise some of the good videos into our own good use.
Wishing 2021 will be better than 2020,
SeungJun