I can't remember the last time I did a proper cleaning up of my room. Or maybe all the past "cleaning-ups" aren't even considered as proper. But I'm quite sure that this time round, I did it. I'm fairly proud of myself as I've finally stepped out of my comfort zone. And, I will continue doing so.
I've always been obsessive of things that were by my side for a long time. Those that were no longer used and/or not useful, and even those that were 'harmful' to me. As long as I had them for some part of my life, I wasn't able to get rid of them. The result of that was my room becoming a garbage dump. My room was filled with trash, and I've been holding onto them, not realising that it was slowly becoming a mess as well as preventing me from progressing on.
Old toys, stationaries and comic books that were of no value ㅡ I was still holding onto them as I just felt bad throwing them away. Those broken old toys and stationaries, they were doing nothing but 'harming me', persistently forcing me to remember the old days and getting stuck in the past. And some of the childish comic books, that I wonder why I even enjoyed so much in the past, or even regret spending so much time on.
Old textbooks and study materials; all the way back to my secondary school ㅡ I was still holding onto them. Just because of the memories, and the fact that they stayed with me throughout my teenage years. Throwing them away would have felt like I was throwing away my childhood. It felt comfortable holding onto them, not realising that they were taking up space in my room.
It was time to make changes. Now that I have finished serving army (National Service) and 2020 was coming to an end, I had to take an action. I was sick of "new year new me!" every new year, and ending up not changing anything significant.
So.. I just threw them away. A lot of them. Those old toys, stationaries and comic books that I was sure I won't use or read again. I just piled them up, walked downstairs with an empty face and tossed them onto the garbage area. I was not able to do it in the past, but I forced myself to do it.
The pile of old textbooks and study materials, some of which were with me for nearly a decade, I did the same. I forced myself to get rid of them without looking back. Not thinking that my memories are gotten rid of but instead, my room was being cleared up to make more space.
I didn't take any picture (except the picture above showing 3 textbooks) when I was getting rid of them. I wanted to make sure that I have made a firm decision. As someone who likes taking pictures, it was a bold move. It felt bittersweet.
After that, I cleaned up the dust in my room and reorganised it, packing up my room for a new start. The air and atmosphere felt different, and although I was thinking that I should have done this earlier, I decided to think that I'm glad I even did it now, and not anytime later in the future. If not, I'd have been stuck in the past of messy living space.
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Just like that.
I've gotten rid of some of my old friends.
I've gotten rid of the girls I liked in the past.
And my old mindsets and behaviors which were holding onto me like a leech.
I finally got to clear up my mind, and make new room for newer things to fill up.
Some of old friends who were of no value; who kept wasting my time and energy. I used to hold onto them regardless, because I just felt bad throwing them away. They were part of my teenage years. Just because they were in my life for many years, I tried to hold onto them, even though they were harming me by being insensible, rude, lacking the ability to empathise, looking down on me and crossing the line.
The girls I liked in the past, which I wonder why I liked them so much and even regret spending so much of my time and energy on. The latest girl I liked, I liked her and continuously poked her for nearly 3 years, even though it was clear that she was uninterested.
The old mindsets and behaviors I was insistently holding onto; the "good boy complex", inferiority complex, being sensitive and talking too much unnecessarily. I was holding onto them for as long as I can remember, as they were with me throughout my youth. I felt comfortable being the "good boy" with so much inferiority complex, sensitive and talking without thinking much; not realising that they were taking up space in my mind; constantly occupying me with negative substance.
All of that, I have thrown them away.
Even those non-harmful, but superficial or not-close friends, those whom I only message once in a while just to maintain low-key friendships. Those who I wish their birthdays every year, but not wishing me on mine.
I've also thrown them away, not literally from my life, but from my heart.
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After getting rid of the old things and packing up my room, finally, it feels odd and bittersweet.
Why did I take so long to remove those things from my life?
Even though it still feels like a part of my youth is now completely gone forever.
Whenever I feel like going back to the garbage area to bring back the stuffs which I have thrown away, I will need to think back on how much time and effort I have put in to make it happen. So, I will not bring it back.
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There may be exceptions in future, no one knows. Friends who have caused permanent scars inside your heart, girls who were completely indifferent of your feelings, and the past mindsets and insecurities which were holding onto you. They may suddenly approach you again, saying sorry, or whatsoever reasons to be in your life again.
And if that happens, we will just act accordingly.
But what I'm sure of is, that the things I have thrown away now, they are really gone for good.
And I must not bring it back.
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This is a personal real life story.
SeungJun